Recently updated on August 30th, 2022 at 01:11 am
The PositiveNaija Interviews “Advice of Nigerian Mothers” is a series of interviews with remarkable Nigerian mothers on sharing their motherhood experiences towards understanding and celebrating the crucial role of mothers in raising/training children, building families and uplifting societies.
This series conceived and conducted by Toju Micheal Ogbe is dedicated to Itohan Hephzibah Deborah Igbe and every mother.
“Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in, it is what God gave you time for.”
– Rachel Jankovic
Interview of Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu who shares her experiences, thoughts and insights as a mother with PositiveNaija (Toju M. Ogbe) on April 28, 2022
Interviewer (Toju): Please Ma, what is your name, how old are you and where are you from?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: My name is Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu. I am 52 years old and I am from Rivers state.
Interviewer (Toju): As regards work, what are your interests, passion or pursuits?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: I am a Professor of Ecotoxicology and Hydrobiology at the University of Port Harcourt (UNIPORT), which entails studying the effects of substances in the environment and life in water. Most of my work involves teaching, research and community service.
Interviewer (Toju): You are a mother of how many children?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: Five children (one male and four females).
Interviewer (Toju): What are the most delightful things about your children (individually)? Or choose three words that describes each of them.
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: They all inspire me to be better – to be a good mother because I cannot afford to disappoint them. They are all unique, which makes life interesting for me. They are wonderful children and they inspire me because of how unique they are in their own way, which has helped me in treating them individually in their respective uniqueness.
Interviewer (Toju): What deliberate/intentional plans have you had in building the emotional, intellectual, mental, spiritual health and character of your children?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: Emotionally, I try to make them not to feel inferior. I try to see their uniqueness and work with it.
Spiritually, I try to get to build up their spiritual life – apart from the usual church attendance, I see to it that they pray, read their Bibles, belong to relevant fellowships in church, etc.
Educationally, apart from their routine academic/school work, I encourage and engage them in extracurricular educative activities.
Socially, I try to be close to them as a friend – so they can be able to confide in me. I try to fit into their lives – to also see life from their eyes as they may sometimes think that I am ‘old school’.
I do not abuse them, I do not use negative words, and I try to build up their strength and help to correct their weaknesses.
Interviewer (Toju): Effective mothering is a matter of values. What values do you prioritize for your children?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: Number one is integrity – that is, you say or do something, you stand by it – no lies or compromise.
No money first! Add value to your society and the money would come.
Good name is better than riches. Keep the family name – wherever you go, know whose family, whose daughter you are and where you are coming from.
Interviewer (Toju): ‘There is no place like home’. What peculiar strategies have you used in promoting excitement, joy and lasting memories as well as managing conflicts/disagreements for your children?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: We try to celebrate together especially birthdays. At their birthdays, we all come together and celebrate.
We try to do things together, they suggest thing for the home and I listen to their opinions. For example, their recent recommendations on the design of the house interior, etc. I try to make them want to come home.
On managing conflicts/disagreements, that’s a difficult one. When they quarrel, I try to make them have respect for each other. Respect – the elder ones must be respected no matter what, and afterwards, we discuss on who is at fault and make the necessary apologies.
Now that they are growing up, it is not like that anymore (the conflicts). So we talk more these days.
Naturally, there is love between them.
Sometimes, when they quarrel, I tell them to leave me out of it because before you know, they are good with each other and they ‘gang up’ against me (laughs).
Interviewer (Toju): Friends, television and music; all increasingly influence children today. How do you check these influences on your children?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: Hmmm I know my children love movies but I try to inculcate good morals in them. I try to know who their friends are and the kind of music they listen to. Most time we watch movies together. They sometimes would try to be secretive but I follow-up/insist on coming out to the open.
Currently, I have two (children) that are less than 18 years old and are in secondary school, they do not have phones (they use the home telephone or mine, which is available to everyone). Those above 18 years old (should be an adult) have their phones but everyone can access them, that reduces misuse of mobile phones.
Also, I try to make them feel free around me – let them play and then I correct them. All my children attended university from home (day-to-day) while boarding for secondary school.
Interviewer (Toju): In particular, how would you say you made your children to be of a healthy self-esteem – in other words, how they value themselves and their goals, as well as build their self-confidence?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: I set goals they can do that will bring out the uniqueness in them.
Like my first daughter is very outspoken and I do not shut her down. I did my thanksgiving recently and she read my citation. I am encouraging them to learn more on what they can do.
When they fail, I encourage them to try again. I look at what they are good at and encourage, promote and help them.
Interviewer (Toju): What are your preferred methods of correcting your children?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: When they were much younger, I talk and flog them with cane. Now, I don’t flog them. I talk to them a lot (warn them) and appeal to their conscience. I hardly get angry but when I do, they know and respect themselves.
They are afraid of their daddy. If they want to do certain things, I tell them to take permission from their father and if he doesn’t agree, they won’t proceed.
Interviewer (Toju): How important are fathers in the upbringing and development of children?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: Wow! They are very important.
One thing I would say, father and mother have their roles to play.
Children need to have a higher respect with at least one of their parent, – I don’t want to call it fear and this is mostly the man (their father). In other words, fathers are important for discipline. However, in the absence of a father, the mother has to play the dual role of father and mother.
Interviewer (Toju): Have you had experiences in which you it seemed that your role as a mother was uninteresting, insignificant and even degrading/shameful (perhaps like your talents/gifts were underutilised/wasted)? How did you cope?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: I have never felt that way because I was doing my postgraduate when I started having children.
Family is always important for me. The only thing I feel like is that I don’t stay at home always (especially as I have to travel sometimes). however, a close relation have to play the role of a mother. I wished I could stay at home more.
I also have a husband that is understanding to provide help for the home and for me as a career woman.
Interviewer (Toju): What is your opinion or preference between stay-at-home mothering and working mothering?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: I do not think there is any stay-at-home mother these days because you must be doing something or be engaged even in the home or outside the home, doing something online/remotely. All mothers are working mothers. So, I prefer all mothers/women are working.
You can even teach your children at home and it will keep you active, and as they are growing, take it ‘outside’ if need be.
Interviewer (Toju): What is your opinion on having house helps/nannies to assist in the home and child-raising?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: It is necessary when your children are much younger but you must be around to supervise.
Also, you can put things in the home to make life easier e.g. weekend arrangements where the house help assist with the basics – washing/laundry, cleaning, etc.
With so many stories associated with some of them I do not encourage but they could be required when the child/children are much younger. Whatever you are doing, your family should be the priority.
Interviewer (Toju): What is your opinion or preference between boarding schools and day-to-day schools?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: I still prefer boarding schools to give the children independence to experience life outside home but you still need to monitor them, and watch their character.
All my children went through boarding secondary school but my last child, I had to bring him out as he was not coping in his junior class and returned him in his senior secondary.
I advise that children should be of age for boarding school. Boarding also ease off some of the work for the mother especially compared to day-to-day schooling where your mind is on the road all the time even if you have a driver, etc.
Interviewer (Toju): Mothering has never been an easy or simple task. Every generation of mothers face a unique set of challenges. What do you consider the challenges of your time as a mother?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: You know I am in two generations now. (laughs)
When I was raising children, Nigeria was a bit stable and family do help but today, mothers have to do so many things at the same time.
Secondly, the negative influence of the digital world both on the mother and the children.
Every mother’s challenge is unique to them. For me it was being a mother and going to school. It became some sort of a mockery for me at some point as I was getting pregnant often during academic sessions.
Interviewer (Toju): What are your greatest wishes, prayers, dreams aspirations for your children? And how do you know these are the right ones?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: You know, I do not have a dream of my own for them, I just want them to have their dreams so they don’t get frustrated but I know they will all have a positive impact in their generation. I also believe that they should do better than me.
My first daughter is a lawyer – she will be a unique lawyer and so whatever they (my children) do, they should be happy.
The reason why I do not have a specific dream for them is that my dream would not allow them to dream, and so that my dream does not frustrate their aspirations.
I know that they are in the right path because of their unique nature, interests, passions and what they are like. They (my children) will be heard all over the world for good making positive impacts.
I said my first daughter is a lawyer and outspoken – she is already in that field. She is also a social media person – so all these can work together for her (good).
The next one (my daughter) is an agricultural entrepreneur. When I see opportunities, I send to her.
The next is a computer scientist and I try to expose her to all and whatever area she specializes, I know she will be good.
Interviewer (Toju): What are the things only God can do in your children’s lives? In other words, are there things beyond your control or power?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: There are so many things only God can do but we have to pray towards it and that is walking in line with His will.
I know my children will be good – they will be great.
In both good and bad, God can do all (that is required to fulfill his promises) – it depends on what you want; your tongue – the power of your prayer. So, I say it, and I know that God will bring it to pass – just do your part.
I am a strong believer in God – a practical Christian because the things in the Bible are for our learning.
Interviewer (Toju): How do you cope with the need for attention between spouse and children?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: I have always made my spouse my priority because both of us will always attend to the children and most times, he is not always around. When he is around, he is number one – even the children are aware of this.
When raising my children, my husband has been supportive.
In my own case, it would rather be, the struggle for attention between my study and my spouse.
It is good to have an agreement. When you set a goal, everybody in the family works towards that goal. Education in my home is a priority and we all work together towards achieving it.
Interviewer (Toju): Mothers are typically known for their relentless care, prayers/vigils/intercessions, support even when all appears to be well irrespective of the age of their children. Is this the case with you and what is the reason(s) for this?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: Yes, all mothers are like that especially Christian mothers because we believe the spiritual controls the physical – committing your children to God.
It is normal for mothers to care and worry. I also carry my children along.
As a Christian, praying is a normal habit and the children see that prayer works. If it does not happen the way expected, we must still believe because the most important thing is to have faith.
Interviewer (Toju): How can mothers be women of positive influence on the society?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: It starts from the family. If you can keep your family, it extends to the society.
Wherever any woman finds herself, she should be of a positive influence – the way she comports herself, her contributions (not necessarily money but it could be kind words), the way she communicates – not quarreling, etc.
One thing with woman is that wherever they find themselves they do positively well especially when they are encouraged. I believe this because I also work on empowering women. And women are unique in nature – in the sense that wherever they find themselves they are agents of positive change.
Interviewer (Toju): In light of your reflections, what is one decision you might make to be a better mother?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: Maybe talking more with my children, being more into their lives because as they grow, they are kind of getting out of reach unlike when they were younger. Basically, how to reach out more to them and ‘more people’ because I have reached a stage where it is not just my children but to reach out especially to more girls – it would make me to be a better mother not just at home but outside my home.
Interviewer (Toju): How can you describe motherhood?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: Motherhood changes your life for better and forever because the process is permanent.
Interviewer (Toju): Which persons are you grateful for in helping/influencing you towards being a better mother?
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: There are so many people but first of all, it is God – His grace.
Then, the training from home – my upbringing.
My mother has also been helpful.
Then, my senior sister Mrs. Chinwe Otuu. She has been a mother to all of us – including me and the children. She is the one who I can also report my children to when they step out of line and they sit up. And I think every woman would need help like that to make motherhood easier.
Interviewer (Toju): Thank you Ma for your time and sharing your unique experiences with us as well as with the world.
Mrs. Ijeoma Favour Vincent-Akpu: Thank you.
Interview Credits
*This interview was first conducted by Toju Micheal Ogbe on April 28, 2022 and was last updated on May 1, 2022.
Written/edited and poster designed by: Toju Micheal Ogbe.
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